i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
