I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
