Someone shit on the floor
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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