hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
