That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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