saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
