my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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