You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
