I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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