Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We talked him into tasing himself.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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