I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
