the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
