If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
