i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My bed is full of blood and feathers
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
