I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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