just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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