Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
