I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
