I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
