if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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