You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
