dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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