I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
