I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
