you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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