you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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