It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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