Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
