He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
