A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
