She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
