Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
