there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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