I just pynch a tree in the face
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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