this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
