Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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