Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
