when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
