I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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