we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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