If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
