I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
