Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
