I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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