Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
