Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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