Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
