Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
These tits shall not be calmed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
