I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
