Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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