Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
