I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
