my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
