Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
